Midnight Introspection

This is what happens when I can't close my eyes. 
When my thoughts decide they know better than my mind and my infinite need for rest. 

You begin to... Notice things. 
Especially the things that have gone horribly wrong. 

There's something strange about being officially a part of something and having everything change. 

Before, I was a hitchhiker. A speck on the wall dreaming to join and simply doing what I could from the sidelines. 
And I loved it. 
It was the highlight of my day, and nothing could go wrong as long as it was there, me and my endless supply of pens and paints and whatnot...
I was there because I wanted to be. 
My name wasn't anywhere on the list. 
I had no member card. 
I wrote and I drew because I could and it was enjoyable. I wanted to be a part of all of it. 
All of this. 

But now I'm here. 
I made it. 
So why don't I want any of it anymore? 
Why is it so...
Hard to enjoy anything like I did?
These words don't listen to me anymore. I can type and I can type and I can type but none of them are mine. 
None of them will listen. 

I can't sleep because I can't write and I can't write because I can't... /See/ like I used to. 
Something is gone. 
I'm missing something here. 
I hold the member's card in my hand, the season pass, the keyswipe to be here.
But
It's empty. 
So hollow. 

Was I chasing smoke?
Was it all just a lie?
Was any of it even real?
Or is it all just another delusion.
Another fake reality. 
One more flower I didn't realize was a monster. 
And now, I have no one to blame but myself for making it so painful to hold a pen again, for letting the vines grow and grow thorns while they were at it underneath the budding flowers, for letting everything 
- Everything -
become just another meaningless checkmark on the list.