Any last words?

...
It's Cancer.
It's terminal. Even if it wasn't, the kidneys would do the job by themselves.
How many days, how many weeks... Or maybe... Months?

I do not want to know how long I have left until I have to say goodbye.
Until I lose the one thing that actually meant something.
I just wanted to celebrate another birthday as a whole. Was it too much to ask? I don't /care/ about graduation, I want a birthday.
I don't want to lose 99% of my childhood memories, and I'm sick of crying myself to sleep already.

But, they've been wrong so many times now.
First, the many issues with diabetes.
The times with the heart issues, the everything issues.
Then widowmaker and certain heart attack death. Inevitability. False.
Then losing a leg. False. Only toes. Only toes. Only ever toes and it seemed FINE.
Then recovery and unrecovery and recovery again.
And now. Cancer. Or kidney failure. Or both. Simultaneously.
It had better be false again.

How many death sentences do we have to recieve? How many times does this have to happen?
I don't know. I don't care. I'm sick of going through this too many times and at the same time I want to have to go through it again so it doesn't have to be /now/.

I can't sleep. I can't. It's too hard to fall asleep in bed.
At most, all I can hope for is short bursts of torturously unrestful sleep and drifting off wherever I find myself. The car is fine. The park bench is fine. The sidewalk is absolutely fine. The desk is great, a chair is fabulous, at a table? Great.
It's just too much right now. The best I can do is try to fast forward as much as I can so it can be false again. Because it has to be. It can't not be.

Because it it isn't another false alarm, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't know how to function.
I don't want to know what would happen.